Episode 7: Go ahead! Wear the hat, smoke the cigar, go on vacation alone!
Good day family and friends! Today I hope to empower you, embolden you, to step out of your comfort zone and wear things, do things and act, out of the ordinary! At least out of the ordinary for you! Have you had this happen to you? You’re out shopping and you get excited and buy something unusual – a piece of clothing or an accessory, like a hat. You bring it home. You think, what occasion will I have to wear this? You think way too hard! And you are not sure… Well, you should be able to wear anything ANYTIME as long it covers the necessary body parts to make you legal! In Canada, I think its just your nether regions you have to keep covered up! Yes, you can flash those breasts… Now you have to keep in mind, the message you are sending to the world with your choices may be important at some times… like a high level business meeting would not be the time to whip out the see through top and short shorts… however….
I love hats and cigars and going on vacation alone! Did I ever hesitate to do any of these? YES! Of course I did, and often. But I asked myself, what would happen, if I did do this thing? What are the consequences of this choice??? And after careful consideration, the usual answer was NOTHING much. I will get criticized – if by no one else, my mother will have something to say about this! I will certainly be judged (people are constantly evaluating and judging others… but that is a whole other podcast about insecurity and self laothing… LOL)…. But really, my life will probably go on unchanged much, except for the wonderful reactions I get to experience that my my “presence” creates - in other peoples realms or orbits...
I often asked myself, why do we hesitate to wear the hat, smoke the cigar or go on vacation alone? Why do many people shy away from looking “different” or “standing out”. Why is that? The overarching motivation not to be different or not stand out, comes from a basic intrinsic need to belong. “Intrinsic”, I like to call intrinsic the “built in” programming. The experts say that intrinsic needs or wants are driven by the brain – the brain says, use the energy to get me this “reward” – motivated to do this from within - intrinsic – inherent in nature) need to belong. The need to belong, human belongingness, is an emotional need to be affiliated with and be accepted by members of a group: be it a peer group at school, co-workers, an athletic team, a religious group, other else but always with some sort of commonality. We are looking for acceptance, we want attention and we want support.
In Abraham Maslow’s famous theory on the hierarchy of needs – he identifies belongingness as one of the major needs that motivate human behavior – indeed - love and belonging, is at the mid point of the needs pyramid after physiological and then safety needs. It motivates us to seek out long lasting relationships with other people. For romantic, spiritual and other communal attachment. This was very important once upon a time, long ago - just for survival. There were no laws, no armies, nor police, by-law officers, butchers, bakers, construction companies and safety-net social security cheques to keep you safe, clothed and fed, irrespective of what you said or did. You relied on the “group effort” of the tribe for survival. Being expelled from the tribe was not a good thing. Making waves, pissing off the people in charge – hmmm, probably won’t get you to the head of the “feeding” line after a successful hunt….
The need to belong to a group or tribe or community will often compel people to change something about themselves in order to fit in. In 1955 Deutsch & Gerard studied social conformity and deduced the 2 key reasons people conform: the first, is called “Informational influence” and the second “Normative influence”. Individuals looked to the group for clues for how to behave, that was instructional, like this is the best way to hunt. Don’t keep running in that direction, you will fall off a cliff. It was a way to get better informed and be more knowledgeable, right up to today’s day and age. Although there is so much information out there, deciphering what is important and what one really needs to be worried about, is difficult to ascertain. But it helps to share and tackle the issues with like minded people in your “group”. Once you have your “tribe”, congregate often. Do you know how many anxieties and unhappy thoughts have been washed away at a friends kitchen table with tea or coffee and a talk? That is one thing that we are missing in todays day and age – the gathering, on a regular basis. Not just via a message over a device. We don’t need gourmet coffee in public, at a prince’s ransom. We don’t need a Martha Stewart styled and perfectly decorated house to invite someone in. Share what you have, messy life or not, gourmet coffee or just water. Remember, you will be finding like minded souls who will not care about these trivial things…. Sharing the human touch, the human interaction, then the grief and worry, lessons that worry and anxiety. And conversely, sharing the celebratory moments of one’s life, increases the joy and happiness of the event or moment or thing…..
The normative influence is where people learn to avoid punishment, and gain reward. People’s behaviour is inconsistent with their beliefs or desires because they are subrugated for the group’s “rules” in order to avoid rejection or punishment. That’s the negative side of the coin, I prefer to focus on the positive! The website verywellmind.com has some amazing articles on this subject. (see actual URL in the show notes on the web site).
In a 2020 study of college students, researchers found a positive correlation between sense of belonging and greater happiness and overall well being. The more “connected” students felt, the more healthier they were, mentally. They had less anxiety, depression, hopelessness and suicidal thoughts. So a sense of belonging is very important, YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND THE RIGHT GROUP TO BELONG TO!!! Like one that accepts you, for you!
In his book TRIBE the Homecoming and Belonging written in 2016 by, Sebastian Junger and published by TWELVE in New York - says humans are not really cut out for a life of rugged individualism. According to his research, it takes 25,000 years to adopt to a new environment. We are all still hardwired to be hunter gatherers, to be tribal… Material wealth allows us to lead independent lives but our DNA means that we crave the kind of communities in which our ancestors lived. Western societies are afflicted with the highest levels of mental illness in the history of humanity, due in part, to pathological loneliness (and I have stated in other podcasts, our horrible food supply that doesn’t give us the proper nutrients to thrive mentally!). So rather than buffering people from clinical depression, increased wealth in a society seems to foster more depression.
Sebastian Junger was a war correspondant who noticed that people rise to the occasion in times of war and conflict. They are actually mentally healthier in those adverse times. It seems that when people are actively engaged in a cause, their lives have more meaning, more purpose, with a resulting improvement in mental health.
On natural disasters - he says people become cohesive and supportive during hard times. Quote “disasters tend to simplify things and return people to a more natural way of living”. Sociologist Charles Fritz in 1961 posited a theory that modern life, destroys the social bonds that used to glue humans and their societies together (and that was 1961). In times of disaster, people realize their survival depends on cooperation with others, and divisions based on wealth and race suddenly become insignificant.
In war or military conflict, people bond. The constant danger from a common enemy creates a degree of intimacy between people that’s unusual in other contexts.
In contrast, when soldiers returned home from long periods of time in the army and in conflict/war zones, their lives at home were disappointing. There was no communal spirit. Society is divided into small and isolated family units without much support and contact on a regular basis, with other like minded, similary stressed, put upon individuals that were there at a moment’s notice to help out with encouragement or helpful hand. There was no longer a common enemy or a singular focus for their life.
Junger sites the AIDS epidemic in the 1980’s. The tight knit gay community banded together to share and figure out how to fight it. More recently, the COVID epidemic saw people doing things for their neighbours and strangers. Going out of their way to “help fight” the battle by doing what they thought was good and right for the society as a whole. Perhaps that is why so many do not really want to let go of the “fight COVID” mentality. They liked the focus, the simplicity, and the coming together and the leveling that the threat promoted.
Jungers main message is that we should strive to find ways of creating a sense of tribal belonging in times of peace.
An interesting side bar, however…. Is that very strong leadership abilities are linked to a DECREASED tendency to conform --- just saying…. People who are strong enough to stand out, are strong enough to LEAD! Go forth and take charge ladies! (and gentlemen!). I know it took a bit for me to unshackle myself from the ropes that tied me down in previous circles (what will people think????), but now that I am free to think the way I want, to do what I want, to be who I want, I feel like I am flying, everyday! What an amazing feeling!!! Come hang out in the sky with me!
Obviously the need to belong to a group is great. And the desire to be accepted and wanted and appreciated and ultimately, loved - often times leads people to forego their individuality. Sometimes they are compelled to change their behaviour, change their beliefs and change their attitudes. I’m saying, NO. Don’t do it! We’ve got laws, police and grocery stores now! You don’t have to change to belong to a “tribe”. You jut have to find the right one… There are many groups and different kinds of tribes that will not just allow you to be who you really are, but celebrate and promote it! Like this tribe - “The Wise Woman’s Way” tribe!
So, what is the Magic FIX for our need for sense of belonging? How do we get it???
First, make an effort – put yourself out there – seek out activities and groups with whom you have common interest. For example, I wanted to be more active and meet new people, so I joined a Pickleball Club! I’m connecting with people who like to be active and try new things!
Be patient. It takes time to gain acceptance, attention and support from members of the group.
Practice acceptance too. Focus on similarities and not on the differences. What are the commonalities that connect you to others and remain open to new ways of thinking!
Remember to keep this mindset: everyone is doing the best that they can, including you! Give friends and situations a pass for minor transgressions. Practice giving others and especially yourself, grace (and by that I mean mercy, clemency and indulgence)…
Lastly, be thankful for being rejected by people or groups! They showed you they were the wrong sphere of influence on you! You need to find your new “tribe” that promotes fresh ideas for living, for good health, for happiness. Positive and energetic people to get you up and moving in the direction of your hopes and dreams! Find free spirited, uplifting souls to congregate with, live life to the fullest with!!!
Indeed, need I have to say this? Go ahead, wear the hat, smoke the cigar and go on vacation by yourself!
I’m Anne Radojcic and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, for listening and sharing.
For show notes and other tid bits, go to our website
www.thewisewomansway.com or www.annerad.com
Great articles on psychology topics: www.verywellmind.com